Well, call it hormones or whatever but my house is sparkling from a 7 hour spring cleaning stint yesterday and just had argument with OH. I'm feeling a bit like I'm alone in my journey of self-discovery; men seem to find it more difficult to differentiate between a growing baby and holding it in one's arms as a defining moment of fatherhood.
All that being said, I have the support of many friends (and most importantly my family) when I tell them my brief story of 'the results', 'the consultation', 'the arguments' and then the decision to 'cancel the amnio'. I'm strong enough, independent enough and wise enough to handle whatever God gives on my own if I have to (thanks Mum & Dad for bringing me up to be this brave).
I read something yesterday that made my eyes water and my lip quiver:
'God Chooses A Mom for a Disabled Child' - Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualise God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger:
"Armstrong, Beth; son; Patron Saint, Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter, Patron Saint, Cecelia."
"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; Patron Saint, give her Gerard. He's used to profanity"
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentments ears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and Independence. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes there is a woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realise it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at the miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see -- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice --- and I allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is were by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
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