It's another day, the sun is shining but I feel, well, a bit out of sorts. I slept last night really heavily but I've woken today with a headache and I can't seem to 'get into' anything. On the plus side, I've been messaging with my best bud (another wonderful person that has taught me how to live, love and laugh and has given me this strength) and it's been wonderful.
I keep reading articles that say the same thing, medical notes that say the same thing and forums that say the same thing but... I can't stop reading! I wonder why I'm so thirsty for knowledge; it's because I'm better of being megga informed on everything than to go in with my blinkers on thinking it'll never happen to me. I have as much chance of this happening to me as anybody else in the group of 35 that has the same result (or 3 in 100 if you want to look at it that way).
I'm reading books too about parents this has happened to just to ride their journey; it'll make it easier if I have to share the same road and will make me feel less guilty for having less than perfect thoughts some of the time. I am after all, only human.
Until tomorrow friends.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Monday, 24 January 2011
Read this - one of the most inspirational stories I've read
As I've been searching the internet for answers (sometimes the not knowing can be bliss but that ain't me!), I've come across the most beautifully written and emotive piece of writing; not just because it's about down syndrome but because... well, it's beautiful:
http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html?commentPage=16
Since making my mind up that I won't risk miscarriage for an amnio and that, actually, knowing one way or the other won't change my mind as to whether to continue with my pregnancy; it doesn't stop me wondering what it may be like to share my life with somebody that can bring so much happiness and warmth. Am I digging my head in the sand? I don't think so... I have no other option so I'll accept what God gives, knowing that He wouldn't give me a gift that I couldn't handle.
There is so much to my story and my thinking that even as I write that; I tell myself that there is 97% chance that everything will be 'fine', 'well' or 'normal' but that just doesn't seem fair to all the people I've worked with or known that are special in my life. Life isn't 'fine' or 'normal' for many people so I find it difficult when people speak as such. Perhaps if my life had been different I may have a different view, but I'm speaking for right here and now, knowing that I make the right decision for me and I'm honest enough not to judge anybody else.
As I continue with this journey, I will continue to research and post; even if it's to the world of cyberspace... perhaps one day the information I share may just help somebody. That's what God made me for.
http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html?commentPage=16
Since making my mind up that I won't risk miscarriage for an amnio and that, actually, knowing one way or the other won't change my mind as to whether to continue with my pregnancy; it doesn't stop me wondering what it may be like to share my life with somebody that can bring so much happiness and warmth. Am I digging my head in the sand? I don't think so... I have no other option so I'll accept what God gives, knowing that He wouldn't give me a gift that I couldn't handle.
There is so much to my story and my thinking that even as I write that; I tell myself that there is 97% chance that everything will be 'fine', 'well' or 'normal' but that just doesn't seem fair to all the people I've worked with or known that are special in my life. Life isn't 'fine' or 'normal' for many people so I find it difficult when people speak as such. Perhaps if my life had been different I may have a different view, but I'm speaking for right here and now, knowing that I make the right decision for me and I'm honest enough not to judge anybody else.
As I continue with this journey, I will continue to research and post; even if it's to the world of cyberspace... perhaps one day the information I share may just help somebody. That's what God made me for.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Yup; it's a Rollercoaster
Well, call it hormones or whatever but my house is sparkling from a 7 hour spring cleaning stint yesterday and just had argument with OH. I'm feeling a bit like I'm alone in my journey of self-discovery; men seem to find it more difficult to differentiate between a growing baby and holding it in one's arms as a defining moment of fatherhood.
All that being said, I have the support of many friends (and most importantly my family) when I tell them my brief story of 'the results', 'the consultation', 'the arguments' and then the decision to 'cancel the amnio'. I'm strong enough, independent enough and wise enough to handle whatever God gives on my own if I have to (thanks Mum & Dad for bringing me up to be this brave).
I read something yesterday that made my eyes water and my lip quiver:
'God Chooses A Mom for a Disabled Child' - Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualise God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger:
"Armstrong, Beth; son; Patron Saint, Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter, Patron Saint, Cecelia."
"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; Patron Saint, give her Gerard. He's used to profanity"
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentments ears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and Independence. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes there is a woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realise it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at the miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see -- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice --- and I allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is were by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
All that being said, I have the support of many friends (and most importantly my family) when I tell them my brief story of 'the results', 'the consultation', 'the arguments' and then the decision to 'cancel the amnio'. I'm strong enough, independent enough and wise enough to handle whatever God gives on my own if I have to (thanks Mum & Dad for bringing me up to be this brave).
I read something yesterday that made my eyes water and my lip quiver:
'God Chooses A Mom for a Disabled Child' - Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualise God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger:
"Armstrong, Beth; son; Patron Saint, Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter, Patron Saint, Cecelia."
"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; Patron Saint, give her Gerard. He's used to profanity"
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentments ears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and Independence. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes there is a woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realise it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at the miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see -- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice --- and I allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is were by my side."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
Saturday, 22 January 2011
High Risk - 1 in 35 NS Result
It's difficult to know where to start - at the beginning is always good but where is that exactly? Is it from where I was born? My childhood? My values and beliefs? My adult experiences? Or when I had my Nuchal Scan, excited to see junior for the first time - laid back, sleeping with his hands behind his head?
Now; you may be wondering why I've named my blog 'The Rollercoaster - Down Syndrome'? I haven't had a confirmed positive result for Down Syndrome as I've declined the amnio... but I do have my 1 in 35 risk factor which keeps me looking at the internet for answers to exactly what this means... both in terms of 'what is Down Syndrome' to 'will amnio cause miscarriage' ... it's been a two week slog so far.
What I want to concentrate on is sharing with you what I've found so far; some beautiful beautiful websites full of inspiration, books that hold so many secrets and my secret journey of self discovery.
Now; you may be wondering why I've named my blog 'The Rollercoaster - Down Syndrome'? I haven't had a confirmed positive result for Down Syndrome as I've declined the amnio... but I do have my 1 in 35 risk factor which keeps me looking at the internet for answers to exactly what this means... both in terms of 'what is Down Syndrome' to 'will amnio cause miscarriage' ... it's been a two week slog so far.
What I want to concentrate on is sharing with you what I've found so far; some beautiful beautiful websites full of inspiration, books that hold so many secrets and my secret journey of self discovery.
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